(throwback to 2016)

Today I woke up, knowing that I was going to be making some phone calls to prospective childcare centres.
I’ve been meaning to do this for a long time and it’s been on my TO DO LIST almost daily but I just can’t seem to be able to pull it together and make some solid progress.

Why?

Seriously, how did I get so much responsibility?
Lexie’s life depends on my decisions!

Confession: I have no idea what I am doing.

These types of thoughts go through my head constantly. I have never questioned myself and my abilities as much as I do now in this new role of Mother.

I am constantly questioning if what I am doing is right. Am I feeding Lexie enough? Why is she not sleeping through the night? Should she be crawling by now?

It’s an odd little bubble that I’m trying to navigate through. Lexie is now almost 7 months old. She’s not a newborn anymore. She is a little person with a personality. I’ve blinked and 7 months has passed. There are days when I feel like I am no closer to having any grasp on what is going on. 7 months on and I still feel like I’m fumbling through this parenting gig.

There are times when I feel brave enough to let people in and talk about what is going on and there are many more times when it’s me and my thoughts trying to navigate through day to day life.

Accepting responsibility and stepping into this next chapter of my life is something that has been much harder than I had anticipated. This little girl’s life is going to be heavily dictated by many actions I choose. It’s a huge sense of responsibility that scares me. “You better not stuff this up Ro.” This is what I’ve said to myself and it has been repeating over and over again.
Like many, this emotion is not something that I particularly enjoy. It’s not something that I’d felt often before her birth on the 27th June 2017, but since that day, it’s been an all too confronting reality.

I have been more scared in the last 7 months of my life than ever before.

Scared: fearful; frightened.

“We’re all doing the best that we can with the tools that we have at that point in time.”

I heard this last week when listening to an episode of Oprah’s podcast.

It stuck with me.

I’m scared of this new responsibility. I’m scared because there are many things I don’t know and haven’t yet experienced. I’m scared because I don’t want to get it wrong. I’m scared to fail her.

At this point in my life I know I am doing the best I can with the tools that I currently have.

I might not know how to properly wean a baby into food. I might not know what is the next developmental phase but I am trying and doing the best I can in the present moment.

When I strip it back and thank myself in the present moment the fear begins to drop.

When I get smiles and laughter from my beautiful girl the fear around my responsibilities is gone in that moment.

I’m doing the best I can in this moment so thank you.

A little reminder to be kind to yourself x