I don’t have scales in my house. In the past I was someone that would weigh herself daily, often multiple times per day.
If the number was higher than what it was yesterday then I would instantly feel negative emotions towards myself. Negative self talk would often begin and my day would be hugely dictated by this silly piece of junk. One little machine had the power to control me. To control my emotions.
I know that this cycle of events is so common for so many women. Weighing ourselves first thing in the morning. Completely naked with no food or water to be able to see the smallest number possible. Fretting if we had to weigh ourselves at night because that number would be so much higher than our fasted weight.
Have you ever seen joy, excitement, positivity from someone on the scales? If a number on the scale drops, you might see an instant reaction that may suggest a positive light. Chasing a weight loss goal, seeing a result on the scale can be rewarding. But what happens after this?
Those feelings can often be short lived and quickly replaced by the “what next”….. You’ve hit that 10kg loss but now you want more, you are crawling deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.
Friday morning I am in New Zealand staying at my in laws house. As I went into the bathroom the first night to get ready for bed, my eyes instantly darted to the silver scales sitting in the corner. There they were. My old ugly friend, we meet again. It was a strange moment. A machine like this had caused so much grief, anger and sadness in my life in the past and here it was again.
Its not that I don’t see scales ever. At HQ, we have some scales that come out if needed. Having competed recently, I had used them a number of times in the lead up. The scales, the bathroom, the intimacy of a home, it was a much more sobering feeling that took me back to what was once upon a time. A private place where negative thoughts would run wild and take control of me.
As I looked at these scales, I contemplated if I would jump on and give the old frenemy a test drive. Would she deliver some news that would kick me in the guts or would she be the reason I might feel good about myself today?! That was the reality in my life for so long.
Not anymore. That reality has definitely not completely gone however it is no longer the be all and end all. The personal development work I have invested in over the past 2 years has put me in a position where I am much stronger emotionally and mentally. I am more self aware to acknowledge, recognise and deal with these thoughts if they occur.
I stepped onto the scales. And I felt nothing. Nothing good. Nothing bad. Neutral.
I weighed 58.3kg. That was it. It just read me back a number that didn’t mean anything. It didn’t tell me how strong my lifting was looking. It didn’t explain how wicked my legs are feeling after this most recent comp prep. It was simply an empty number.
Earlier this week I had to catch myself in the moment where some negative thoughts were beginning to form. Negative thoughts around how frumpy I was feeling with less movement than usual. I caught her. She came and went.
An empty number on the scales. Thoughts that came and then went.
I am not exempt from these feelings and experiences. I do however get better at dealing with them and recognising them for what they are. An effort to pull me back.
Nope. Not happening.
Do yourself a favour. Remove that devil machinery from your home. She may continue to knock on your door asking to be used. The more you don’t let her in and the more you practice ignoring her strong hold. The less power she will have over you. It won’t happen instantly. The more you tell her its not acceptable in your life, the more she will get the picture and piss off. But remember, she won’t necessarily go away for good. But you will get much better at catching that sneaky bitch when she first appears.