I can eat what I want when I want and have control over what I put into my body. But it wasn’t always like that.
I would watch people walk down the street eating, looking so casual and carefree and wish that was me. I would hope and wish that one day I would be able to just pop into a shop when I’m hungry, select something from the counter, walk out the door, eat my food and get on with my day. I would wish so hard that I could have that carefree nature around food.
This was my reality. Meal time was a complete shit storm that occupied my head. Every time I ate I had to enter a battle that felt like it was never going to end. How many calories were in it? What was the breakdown of carbs fats and protein? How many calories would that leave me for the end of the day? Could I hoard all my calories and then justify a binge later? That was a snippet of what was being played in my head. Repeat this multiple times per day, my relationship with food was something that consumed me.
You name the diet I most probably tried it. Jumping from one thing to another, I thought I was beyond help. Surely no one felt as bad as I did. I was trapped in my own hell. As helpless as I felt, the reality was I was no special snowflake. This hell is present for so many women, past present and future.
I jumped from one diet to another, thinking and hoping my saviour would somehow appear. Not only did it push my saviour further away but it made the real “issues” even worse. I numbed the real issues with diets and got further and further away from what I needed to focus on. What was really causing this behaviour, why was this happening.
I came to a point where nothing was working. Whatever I was chasing I couldn’t properly describe because I myself didn’t know. I just wanted to be skinnier because in my head If I looked better than surely I would be happier?! I decided that clean eating was going to really be the one to work. This was going to be my knight in shiny armour. I was losing weight but still felt like a bag of shit. I got smaller and smaller and my mind got darker and darker. 5 days on 2 days off. You know what I’m talking about for those that have been there. Clean eating Monday to Friday. Following the protocol to the last spinach leaf. Holding on to when the weekend arrived and giving yourself a “cheat meal”. A planned meal to enjoy a “treat”. Bullshit. A chance to encourage a binge under the guise of a structured cheat meal. This was one “diet” that well and truly ruined me. I used this to justify what I was doing. On the outside I looked like I had my shit together. I was told I was “skinny” and had a “good rig”, I loved that shit. It fuelled me to keep going. To keep the cycle alive and burning a hole in my head. To justify the punishment I was doing to myself.
With the popularity of IIFYM (If it fits your macros) exploding on the scene, I jumped on the bandwagon and decided this would somehow benefit me. The reality is that I saw an opening. An opening in this new “diet” to let my shitty habits in. I could hoard all my calories and binge later. I could eat whatever shitty foods I wanted a long as it fit my calories and macro break down. My days were ruled around tracking through My Fitness Pal, running addition and subtraction through my head in order to make things fit. This was life. My whole life was ruled around a stupid app. That blue and white icon with the person jumping can fuk right off.
If my partner wanted to go out for a meal, that stupid blue and white app decided the outcome. You have enough calories left. You have been good today, you can go out and eat.
Nope sorry, your countdown of calories is actually in negative despite not tracking your binge. You can’t eat anything for the next day. Binging was frequent. I had no control. I purchased bags of mini snickers bars. Because they could be tracked easily, I could allocate 2 and log the calories in the app. A whole block of chocolate was a disaster waiting to happen because it wasn’t individually wrapped. Somehow those little wrappers around the snickers bars were suppose to stop the impending binge. As soon as one was opened, one after the other I ate them all until all 12 were gone. I physically could not stop. I felt sick. In my stomach, in my head in my being.
This was the reality.
Does this sound like you? In the past? In the present moment?
If these things are all too familiar, girl, you are not alone! I have been there. It can and does get better!
It breaks my heart when I hear similar stories. Of women living this hell and not knowing where to turn. Trapped in their own heads with no one to talk to. The pain that I felt for many years gives me the drive I need to continue this mission.
You are not alone. I have been there. This is why I have dedicated my life to changing the face of this unspoken world.